I am just one person with one story, but if sharing my journey brings comfort or insight to anyone else, this page has its purpose.
I moved to the Midwest for graduate school and had my first child while still studying. Since I was a physics major—a field dominated by single men at my school—there wasn't a clear maternity leave policy in place. I'll forever be grateful to my advisor, who gave me the flexibility of a whole semester off. He and his wife had gone through a similar situation during their time in school, and his empathy made a world of difference. My "semester off" involved light tasks and a flexible schedule, which gave me the time I needed to adjust to motherhood. My daughter was almost eight months old when I returned to school. I cherished every moment of those months together. When I finally went back to work, I was ready for adult conversations and intellectual challenges. I had the luxury of feeling ready—without guilt.
My second pregnancy was a completely different experience. By then, I was working full-time for a larger, privately-owned company. Once again, I found myself in unfamiliar territory: I was one of the few women and the first on my team to ask about maternity leave. I was shocked to learn that the U.S. has no federal law guaranteeing paid maternity leave. My 12 weeks off required approval from senior management, and when I was granted the leave, I had to use all my PTO and short-term disability benefits. I should've refused the disability pay and saved those PTO days—they're like gold for moms! Lesson learned.
I know I am a sample of one, and this is my journey. But if anyone finds comfort in this, or any other benefit, I am beyond happy.
Why do I emphasize that I am an immigrant? Because all my friends who still live in Europe had very different experience in terms of their time off. I came to Midwest for graduate school and I welcomed my first child while I was at school. How I was Physics major, only handful of students went through what I was going through (they are mosly single men). Thus, there wasn't any sort of policy around maternity leave. That is why I will forever be thankful to my advisor for basically giving me a whole semester off. His wife and him went through the same situation when they were at school and he had a lot of emoathy for me. (Basically semester off means I had to work on small tasks and could take my time).
My baby was almost 8 months old when I went back to school. I can't describe enough how much I enjoyed time with her. I think when I finally went back to work I was so ready for my brain to be challeged in adult conversations! I had the luxury to be ready. No guilt.
My second pregnancy was whole different story. At that time, I was a full time employee at a large(er), privately owned company. Once again, I was one of few women and the first person on my team to ask about maternity leave. The shock I was in when I found out there is no federeal law to protect me?! I have to wait on my boss's boss to approve 12 weeks? But 12 weeks is nothing!
Fast forward, I did get my 12 weeks. I had to use all my PTO in order to use short term disability. I should had turned down that money down, just to keep my PTO, because those days are GOLD mom-currency. Ah, well.
12 weeks. American women who return to work, take 10 weeks off on average. I also found out there are companies (like Netflix) that give close to a year! I am not sure what contributions you have to pay in order to do that though.
This depends on a company. Mine allows 2 weeks off. Company my husband works for does not have any. But I really needed his help, because I had every possible lactation issue there is, so he worked remotely often furing first 2 or 3 weeks, and that was huge for me.
You can create a birth plan, mine was basically "Yes, I want an epidural".
I know a lot of women who decide not to take any medications. During my second labor, they gave my a huge yoga-like ball (they called it "bean" because of the shape) that was placed between my legs and that did help a lot.
At the time, I had no idea this was an option, but - yes. I have a coworker who did this. A certified doula basically led her pregnancy and delivered her baby at her home, drug free. She had zero complications.
My first labor was at University hospital. At the time I didn't know, but since my labor was long, 12+ hours, each time someone's shift starts/ends - they "check you out". So. Many. People. Every 5 minutes: "knock, knock". Besides epidural, I got nothing and to be honest, I did't need anything (maybe less people?).
My second labor was at the county hospital, and doctor who was on call was amazing, she massaged me the entire time, delivery was quick, and recovery even quicker.
A parter. He was present during the labor, too.
Anyone—family members and friends—can visit immediately after you are moved to your room, and they can stay as long as they like. During Covid this was not the case, of course.
In a cot in the mother's room, never away from the mother unless medical help is needed (for premature born babbies).
Yes.
Yes, very much so. First time, I had troubles (my breasts were engorged but very low supply) and my baby wasn't gaining weight as supposed to, but when they realized I really want to try to breastfeed her, they sent lactation consultant to help me.
Typically after a day, if there was no complications. After a C-section, it's a week.
No, not really.
No traditions, buy a lot of coworkers did brings a meal. This is not common where I'm from, but it meant so much not to worry about food during those first few weeks.
Except for brastfeeding (duh...), my husband did everything with me. Especially with our older.
Where I live, a lot do. I would say less than 50%, but way more than where I grew up in. It is also very common here for women to have 3+ kids, so at some point daycare cost becomes big enough to justify moms staying at home.
There are 3 types of daycares, (1) the one you can take your baby when they are only a week old (and older), and (2) the ones that only accept 2 year-olds (and older) and (3) in-home daycares (more about this later). Price varries, naturally, but the younger the kid is, the more expensive it is. It starts at $200-$450, biweekly.
There are daycares that are government subsidized, but we never qualified for those.
Between $12-$25/hour, depending on educaton/experience.
We went with this option with our second kid, because I could work remotely (the only perk for having a post-Covid baby) and finding a spot for an infant was mission impossible. Even though this was the most expensive option, like I said before, not working was never an option for me, because being intelectually challened is very important to me. This option came with other perks as well - he was so loved and taken good care of, I had zero worries (and I was emotional mess going back to work, so this actually means a lot coming from me).
If you find a good one, this is amazing option. Amazing! There are usually stay-at-home moms (or grandmas) who need an extra buck, love kids, and treat yours like it's theirs. Very homey, small groups of various ages. I don't need curiculum for a 10 month old - just please love and hug my kid, make her feel safe and loved. We were so lucky that the lady had a huge backyard with lots of animals. Facebook groups are a great resource for this.
No. Moms in the United States have a long, uphill battle in front of them. But we are not giving up! Huge shout out to non-profits like Chamber of Mothers who are trying to change things for the better.
I would not say this is a "moms" thing. If your kid is sick, of course your boss will let you work from home. But we must agree this depends on the boss, unfortunately.
This is definitely not widely accepted. There are companies where this is allowed, which references my comment on bosses. "Be the change you want to see in the world", right?
Taking care of the baby, and solving my lactation issues.
Here is very uncommon for babies to sleep with parents. However, I did cosleep with both of my kids. First, it started as a necessity (due to breastfeeding), but then they just slept better when sleeping with us. They transitioned to their own room around second birthday.
No, mainly because my baby was still exclusively breastfeeding and it was feeding on demand. We really didn't have strict schedule at the time. Additionally, I mentioned I had lactation issues, which prevented me to build a stash.
Worrying about my baby not eating enough, my milk supply decreasing due to work stress and pumping, and balancing sleepless nights with job responsibilities. And honestly, I missed him.
I would say no.
Each time I took him to check up (and this was University hospital pediatritian), they would ask me fill out a questionnaire on "how I'm feeling". Answers were from "I am happiest I have ever been" to "I'm thinking of hurting myself and my baby". Who would ever answer this?! Even if a woman was feeling this, she would be too embaressed to ask for help nurse student! This is not enough. This is not good. We deserve better.
I will also add I was affected with postpartum anxiety (at the time, I did not know the difference between depression and anxiety), and as someone who never had this issue, the feeling was paralyzing! Why am I not bouncing back, what's wrong with me... I did bounce back (I would say by the week 6), and it was on my own.
I got visit from lactation consultant/specialist (LS) while still in the hospital with first, and during the 7-day visit at the pediatritian with my second. These nurses are an amazing resource and if anyone really wants to breastfeed but encountering any issue, they are the way to go! This was University hosiptal, but there are farmacies in town that offer this service, and it's covered by insurance.
Now my issues. I have inverted nipples, very sensitive too. My first kid was lazy - I would spend hour breastfeeding her, without proper feeding. And that would only damage my nipples, plus my supply was decresing because it felt like there was no demand. I had to use sillicone nipple, but that also prevented baby for taking the fattest milk. So I had to start pumping after each feeding to make sure my supply increases (this was LS's advice, who thought me all of this). I would go to LS every day (during first couple of weeks), and we would practice the latch, waking my baby up to finish the feeding and stoping after 10 minutes regardless. The latter was to teach her to be more efficient. And it all worked! I got rid of sillicone nipple, and by the time she was 3 months, she was such an efficient feeder. The fact she was in 95% in weight was, to this day, one of my biggest achievents.
With second one, I though "it can't be worse than that!" Boy, was I wrong. He was efficient feeder and had great latch, but the pain was excruciating! Worst than labor. But just has to happen every hour to 2. After talking to LS and pediatritian, we found that my baby had both lip and tongue tied! Even after we "took care of that", I was still in pain, and it took couple of month for me to heal. This is not exaggeration, unfortunately. We did end up exclusively breastfeeding for a little over 12 months, woo hoo!
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